Where Angels Fall

At the end of every season, I give it a theme or a title or a name. I know that probably sounds really weird, but hey--I don't care.

The fall of 2005 I have dubbed "Where Angels Fall".

It's really hard to explain how I feel about that title. It just seemed to fit exactly. Thinking about how this fall was the Last Crucible I'll have in high school.

Thinking about the stuff miss terri and mavis said. Thinking of how all my friends...we are all right here, right now...and why aren't we doing something with this time that is left...and why we are here together. And what that means. And what it all means. And why I haven't told anyone about...it. And what on earth am I waiting for now? And why have we fallen down here where hell and the powers of darkness run rampant. And how we are gonna stick together. And what is gonna happen with my relationship to my God. And how will I get fixed, or if I'll ever get fixed. If everyone will know just how far I fell, and if judgement will run rampant. And what's gonna happen to Oliver? Will he get into that carriage with Olaf? What will happen to my heart. Will I lose myself? Where's that moment that I lose myself? Have I lost my heart already? Has Ansem won?

What is the truth, now?

So What Does It All Mean?

MORPHEUS: I imagine that right now, you're feeling a bit like Alice, hmm? Tumbling down the rabbit hole?

NEO: ...You could say that.

Yeah I know, third post in one day, making five total. Actually, techincally this is my seventh post.

I'm so, so, SO confused. I've got no idea which way is up or down. Literally.

I mean, I just don't know anything anymore. I mean that honestly. Save my name and the names of my friends and some of my favorite things, and that I go to Orem High, and my house address, I have no memory or concept of my whole life. I mean, it feels like it's been a whole year since my summer 2005.

Which way is up? Which way is down? Am I real? Am I alive? Am I damned?

Why can't I find what I am supposed to find? Am I supposed to find anything? Am I stuck in hell? Am I just permanent this way, a little darkling? Demon of the Dark? Am I supposed to think that? What? What?

What is the meaning of Life? The Universe? Everything? ANYthing?

Is any of this for real? Or not?

I Am Bleeding and Falling Apart

I don't know how to describe the way I feel right now.

Perhaps it's like that teenager in the "I'm Still Here" music video, from Treasure Planet. Just watching as the world starts turning a different color and his parents start fighting and the rain starts pouring and then stops, and then that spider thing is chasing him, then he's running for Treasure Planet but it's so far away, then the sky turns to blood and meteors start flying everywhere and his home explodes, and suddenly everywhere he runs the walls fall down and collapse and everything starts to collapse, and it's the end. And he's helpless.

Or maybe it's like I'm with Farimir and Eowyn in Return of the King. Just standing on the balcony, looking ahead as the future of my whole planet starts to crash down and erupt into flame with eternal fires of Mordor across the mountainous horizon. In completely breathless silence, I stand there just staring at it. Wondering how it's gonna end.

Except...there's no one holding my hand.

Better Angels of Our Nature

I just wish that I had an absolute, sure knowledge that He really could.

"Rescue Me"--Greg Simpson, from "Unspoken"

My mind is swimming in an ocean of broken dreams
Sounds that surround me are like echoes of a million screams
Waves wrap around, pull me down
Till I'm up to my neck
Reaper might be knockin' on my door...but I'm not gone yet...

I still live, I still breath, I still wanna believe
Someone's gonna rescue me
Half dead, half alive, half a chance to survive,
But someone's gotta rescue me.

Well, I could drown in anything if I worry enough
I might be floatin' on my back...but I'm still lookin' up...

I still live, I still breath, I still wanna believe
Someone's gonna rescue me
Half dead, half alive, half a chance to survive,
But someone's gotta rescue me.

It Falls on Me

So I'm really bug-eyed right now, because I had a late night with Genesis and Exodus and I went to bed at 4:30 am. I'm trying to read the Bible equivalent of the Torah.

Yeah, for those who don't know, then I tackle some bits from the Pali Canon, which is a Buddhist text. Then I will read the Four Gospels, then the Qur'an (or however you spell it that way, since "Koran" is wrong apparently), then the Book of Mormon. And all before Thursday. And I don't plan on getting too much sleep. And I'm going on a religious fast, in accordance with an LDS seminary challenge to get an experience from God that money cannot buy.

I'm looking for some healin'. I just want God to tell me if He's going to fix me or if I'm not worth saving anymore. And I'm okay if it's the latter, I guess.

So I had my second jamming session with my band over the Thanksgiving break. We've been going over "Best of You" (Foo Fighters) and a song I wrote called "Victor Hugo", which may be posted on A Poet in Wicker Park at some point. We are supposed to play four songs: those two, a mix of the Colplay piano and the Wicker Park soundtrack acoustic guitar of "The Scientist", which I must say is a rather nice blend. Then one more original. I submitted to them "In Your Honor" (found on A Poet in Wicker Park) and they really liked it. I'm glad they liked it, because I was afraid that all my stuff is really stupid to them.

I was at a family reunion (with people that aren't really related to me) and there was this turkey shoot with prizes. And there it was, the perfect Christmas gift for my best friend, Ben: a Mr. Potato Head Darth Tater. To say that Ben is a major Star Wars geek would be a HUGE understatement. Personally, I don't take too much stock in anything from George Lucas unless it's Indiana Jones. But hey, he's my best friend. So I arrange with my brother through painstaking strategy to win the Darth Tater and we finally secure it, after a stressful, long combat which involved good and evil and a lot of rubber bands.

Anyways, I was at Ben's house on Saturday, with Eric my childhood friend and I had set it up with my other friend Trevor who was there to ask Ben about a Darth Tater, because the gift fits him so perfectly that I wondered if he already had one. Apparently he's so far down the Star Wars road that he thought a Darth Tater disgraced the sacred figure of Darth Vader. So I felt kinda down that after all that trouble he wouldn't like it. Kinda discomforting to know that if I had given it to him, knowing him he would've kept his mouth shut.

Not necessarily because of that incident, but because I'm an idiot, I treated him real bad that night. I remember how he offered Trevor a chance to play with him and Eric on the XBox Star Wars game they were playing. Just playing around I acted offended and said, "Oh sure, don't offer me to play."

He was like, "Well you hate Star Wars, so no. I won't."

And Eric says, "Gosh, Ben, lighten up." Or something like that. And I said rather harshly, "Yeah Ben. Get a grip."

It was a few moments before I heard Ben say quietly, almost to himself, "...Well...it's called a joke, so...you get a grip."

And then later I was in the hallway looking for his brother and I saw this rockin'-sockin' Batman Begins movie poster--the exact one I want where he's just standing there like a statue against a sunset. And I asked Ben where he got it, and he was like, "You went in my room?" I took him a little too seriously and said, "Hey, don't cry about it." Ben's brother started laughing, but he didn't.

I wish I could stop that. I wish I could stop everthing.

Learn to Fly

"Learn to Fly"—Foo Fighers, from There Is Nothing Left to Lose (2004)

Run and tell all of the angels this could take all night
Think I need a devil to help me get things right
Hook me up a new revolution, cause this one is a lie
We sat around laughing and watched the last one die

I’m looking to the sky to save me, looking for a sign of life
Looking for something help me burn out bright
I’m looking for complications
Looking cause I’m tired of lying
Make my way back home when I learn to fly high

Think I’m done nursing the patience
It can wait one night
I’d give it all away if you give me one last try
We live happily ever trapped if you just save my life
Run and tell the angels that everything's all right.

I’m looking to the sky to save me,
Looking for a sign of life
Looking for something to help me burn out bright
I’m looking for a complication
Looking 'cause I’m tired of trying
Make my way back home and learn to fly high
Make my way back home and learn to fly.

Fly along with me,
I can’t quite make it alone
Try to make this life my own.

"Why, Mr. Anderson?"

EXT. MATRIX STREET CRATER – NIGHT

The concussive blast craters the street, buckling buildings, as a wave of unequaled destruction rushes over the urban chasm.

The explosion thunders away, until there is only the hissing rain, as the Smiths gather around the crater's edge.

Inside the bowl of earth is the exposed viscera of the metropolis; broken pipes, sparkling cables and rent sewers.

The rain on Neo’s face slowly brings Neo’s consciousness back.

Smith stands over him as he tries to get up.

SMITH: Why, Mr. Anderson?

It is an effort to even pull his arm from the wet sucking mud.

SMITH: Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting?

Neo rolls over, pushing himself to his hands and knees.

SMITH: Do you believe you’re fighting for something? For something more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know?

Neo glares at him with animal-like eyes.

SMITH: Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Yes? No? Could it be for love? He laughs. Illusions, Mr. Anderson. Vagaries of perception. The temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect, trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose. Neo’s hands clench into fists. And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself...although, only a human mind could invent something as insipid as love.

Rain streaks the mud down Neo’s face like black tears.

SMITH: You must be able to see it, Mr. Anderson. You must know it by now. You can’t win. It’s pointless to keep fighting.

Neo summons his strength once more, he stands.

SMITH: Why, Mr. Anderson? Why? Why do you persist?!

NEO: ......Because I choose to.

You've Gotta Help Me Out

"Deep Waters, Dark Shadows"

Man overboard!

Who cares? The ship sails on. The wind is up, the dark ship must keep to its destined course. It passes on.

The man disappears, then reappears, he sinks and rises again to the surface, he hollers, stretches out his hads. They do not hear him...

He hurls cries of dispair into the depths. What a specter is that disappearing sail! He watches it, follows it frantically. It moves away, grows dim, diminishes. He was just there, one of the crew, he walked up and down the deck with the rest, he had his share of air and sunlight, he was a living man. Now, what has become of him? He slipped, he fell, it's all over.

He is in the monstrous deep. There is nothing beneath his feet but the yielding, fleeting element. The waves, torn and scattered by the wind, close around him hideously; the rolling abyss bears him away; tatters of water are flying around his headl a populace of waves spit on him, vague openings half swallow him; each time he sinks he glimpses yawning precipies full of dark; frightful unknown tendrils seize him, bind his feet, and draw him down; he feels he is becoming the great deep; he is part of the foam...the voracious ocean is eager to devour him; the monster plays with his agony. It is all liquid hatred to him.

He tries to defend, to sustain himself; he struggles; he swims. With his poor exhausted strength, he combats the inexhaustible.

Still he struggles on.

...He feels buried by the two infinities together, the ocean and the sky, the one a tomb, the other a shroud.

Night falls; he has been swimming for hours, his strength almost gone; the ship...is gone; he is alone in the terrible gloom of the abyss; he sinks, he strains, he struggles, feels beneath himself invisible shadowy monsters; he screams.

Men are gone. Where is God?

He screams. Help! Someone! Help! He screams over and over.

Nothing on the horizon. Nothing in the sky.

He implores the lofty sky, the endless waves, the reefs; all are deaf. He begs the storms; but impassive, the obey only the infinite.

Around him, darkness, storm, solitude, wild, unconscious tumult, the ceaseless churning of fierce waters. Within hum, horror and exhaustion. Beneath him the devouring abyss. No resting place...The biting cold paralyzes him. His hands cramp shut and grasp at...nothing. Winds, clouds, whirlwinds, blasts, stars, all useless! What can he do? He yields to despair; worn out, he seeks death, no longer resists, gives up, lets go, tumbles into the mournful depths of the abyss forever.

...Ominous disappearance of help! O moral death!

The sea is the inexorable night into which [evil and hell] casts its victims. The sea is measureless misery.

The soul drifting in that see may become a corpse. Who shall restore it to life?






--From Victor Hugo's Les Miserables


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P.S. There is no way that A Rush of Blood to the Head is good enough to send everyone but miss terri. (Not that I don't value miss terri's opinion, of course.) So please go take a look at it as well as the other thing I just posted on A Poet in Wicker Park. Also, there is a new post responding to a B&G article by Matt Call on Politik, so please check that out as well and give your opinion.

When I Pretend

So I'm kinda excited because Mike Shindoa (who is Linkin Park's rapper, for those of you who have not partaken of the wholesome goodness that is Linkin Park) and some other guys started a little sumthin-sumthin, a new band called Fort Minor. They've got some good stuff, with the exception that some stuff swears a bit. But whatever. My favorite song is called "Believe Me", and the lyrics will follow shortly hereafter.

As for a life update, all I can say is getting girls to fall for you needs to be declared an Olympian/Herculean feat. I mean, I don't know how to act around this girl. I have all these things I wanna say around her or do for her or a way to act around her, like I've got these plans...and then the second I see her, it's like she and I are the only people in the world and no one else around us exists, because everything is alive when she's around, and I feel happier when she gives advice because she's so true........sorry, rambling.

Also, I've really got to get down to the boilerplate with my short stories. I want to publish "The Dam at Otter Creek" before my 18th birthday, but I haven't even started writing it. So I've got to get to that, like, right now. Thanks to The Plot Thickens, I have places to go with my characters. So all I have to do is get off my lazy seat and go do it.

By the way, I'm trying out avatars. The current one I'd like to try out is Cloud Strife, as portrayed in the upcoming film Advent Children, which I am really just exploding with impatience for. Please tell me how to upload one because my computer is being a real jerk.

And now for a song about my life right now....


"Believe Me"--Fort Minor, from The Rising Tied, 2005
(Yes, that album title is spelled right.)

I guess
That this is where we've come to
If you don't want to,
Then you don't have to believe me
But I won't be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You're on your own now, believe me.

I don't want to be the one to blame
You like fun and games, keep playing 'em
I'm just sayin' think back then
We was like one and the same
On the right track
But I was on the wrong train
Just like that
Now you've got a face to pain
And the devil's got a fresh new place to play
In your brain, like a maze, you can never escape the rain
Every [darn] day is the same shade of grey.

Hey, I used have a little bit of a plan
Used to have a concept of where I stand
But that concept slipped right out of my hands
Now I don't really even know who I am
Yo, what do I have to say?
Maybe I should do what I have to do to break free
And what ever happens to you, we'll see
But it's not gonna happen with me.

Back then, I thought you were just like me
Somebody who could see all the pain I see
But you proved to me unintentionally
That you would self-destruct eventually
Now I'm thinking like the mistake I made doesn't hurt
But it's not gonna work,
Cause it's really much worse than I thought
I wished you were something that you were not
And now this guilt is really all that I got.

You turned your back
And walked away in shame
All you got is a memory of pain
Nothing makes sense, so you stare at the ground
I hear your voice in my head when no one's around
What do I have to say?
Maybe I should do what I have to do to break free
What ever happens to you, we'll see
But it's not gonna happen to me.

I'll do what I have to do
You're on your own now, believe me
Whatever happens to you,
You're on your own now, believe me
What do I have to say?
You're on your own now, believe me
It's not gonna happen to me
You're on your own now, believe me.

Going Down Swingin'

I am sure glad I know Bryce Huntbach, or however you spell his last name. Definitly the wisest teenager on the planet. He is such a stud.

Anyhow, life has just been an uphill battle lately. I decided that the reason I don't feel anything is because I have absolutely no motive. I have no cause. I don't know why I keep fighting. I don't have anything to fight for.

If anyone has any suggestions that aren't cliche, I'd love to hear 'em. Because I think that it's really coming down to a fine print, boiler plate this time around. Really, it's one or the other.

Last night I slept on the floor, contemplating my darkness and how I refuse to change. The reason I am refusing to change is because I don't know why I should change. I realized that every single day of my life to memory I have been in bondage and a prisoner of darkness. I have never been free. So I don't know what freedom is. Twice I have felt peace...but not freedom. Just a separate kind of peace. So I have no idea what to do. I don't know why I should fight for freedom when I don't know what that's like. Literally: I cannot imagine what it is like to be free.

Fighting for peace doesn't seem to work because it just doesn't seem to be the right thing to fight for. Fighting for family isn't a motive because I don't care enough. Fighting for friends never lasts long. Fighting for love doesn't count anymore because I've got no chance with the girl I like, and I don't have much to love. Fighting for God doesn't work because I am too against Him to say that I'm on His side. Fighting for Christ doesn't work because I don't believe Him.

So what am I fighting for, anyway?

"I Got Soul But I'm Not A Soldier"

Everything seems to be going a lot better. I was having such a terrible morning, but it got better when I went to seminary. I was contemplating ditching seminary today and sneaking into the computer lab to do my AP Literature homework. But I am so glad that I went to seminary anyway. The girls had an awesome presentation for the boys.

I was very touched that they were willing to give something to me even though I am not a part of the class. Thanks so much for my dog tag!

While in class, I recieved some inspiration about what courage really is. Now I have the will to go on and try fighting...yet again.

My heart is burdened because of all these things that I've done.

This song means a lot to me. I wanna be fixed, but I'm afraid that I won't stay fixed. But I might as well keep fighting. After all, if I'm gonna win my own red badge of courage then I've gotta have courage. And courage is not about how many times you win the war.

It's the number of times that you get up when you fall down.


"All These Things That I've Done"
--The Killers, from Hot Fuss

When there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son?
One more son?
If you can hold on
If you can hold on,
Hold on.

I wanna stand up, I wanna let go
You know, you know - no you don't, you don't
I wanna shine on in the hearts of men
I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand
Another head aches, another heart breaks
I'm so much older than I can take
And my affection, well it comes and goes
I need direction to perfection, no no no no

Help me out, yeah
You know you got to help me out, yeah
Oh, don't you put me on the backburner
You know you got to help me out, yeah

And when there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
These changes ain't changing me
The gold-hearted boy I used to be

You gotta help me out, yeah
You know you got to help me out, yeah
Oh, don't you put me on the backburner
You know you got to help me out, yeah
You gonna bring yourself down, yeah
You gonna bring yourself down, yeah
You gonna bring yourself down...

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier...

[Time, truth and hearts]

Over and in, last call for sin
While everyone's lost, the battle is won
With all these things that I've done
All these things that I've done
[Time, truth and hearts]
If you can hold on.

P.S. For your reading pleasure, I have posted my most recent homework assignment from my Creative Writing class on A Poet in Wicker Park. We were supposed to write something inspired by the word "veteran". While I have never personally known veterans of a war, I have known veterans of a love or friendship. So my will-probably-be-heavily-revised song "Red Bullets of Courage" is the result.