"Dodging Glances On The Street"

Found this archived draft from the 17th of July.

Today I was at work doing my best to get some more tips. I mean, I've only worked at that station twice, but my boss was extremely impressed with me because apparenty he's never seen someone get that many tips in two hours. Especially in Orem, Utah.

Anyway, I was kinda lost in my own world and this booth asked me for more breadsticks. So I was on my way back to the kitchen when I almost ran into someone.

I knew immediatly who the person was: Harry. It felt like I had just jumped off a cliff back at Sand Hollow. I knew what he looked like from the back so well that now that's the only way I recognize him. I turned around immediatly and dodged his glances until he left. I don't think he saw me, unless he turned around as I did.

My legs were shaking for the next five minutes. I was so sickened by my actions. Yesterday, I saw him in church and almost said hello, but kept walking. Moments later I kicked myself because I know he now thinks I'm ignoring him. But my ignoring instincts have had to kick in for so long that now that's my only instinct when I see him.

Funny, because I hadn't seen his face till yesterday. And I didn't recognize him.

"Talk"-Coldplay, from "X&Y"
Oh brother, I can’t get through
I’ve been trying hard to meet you ‘cause I don’t know what to do
Oh brother, I can’t believe it’s true
I’m so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you
Oh I wanna talk to you

You can take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or a write a song nobody has sung or do
Something that’s never been done

Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle, you can’t find your missing piece?
Tell me how do you feel?
Well, I feel like they’re talking in a language I don’t speak
And they’re talking it to me

So you take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or a write a song nobody has sung or do
Something that’s never been done,
Or do something that’s never been done

So you don’t know where you’re going and you wanna talk?
And you feel like you’re going where you’ve been before?
You tell anyone who’ll listen but you feel ignored?
Nothing’s really making any sense at all? Let’s talk
Let’s talk...let’s talk...let’s talk.

Confessions of a Rainmaker

For the next while, I'll only be talking about my life via my spiritual blog, "The Rainmaker Confessions". You can visit it by going to rainmakerconfessions.blogspot.com, or by clicking on "The Rainmaker Confessions" in the list of links to your right. I'm doing this because I know that my life is gonna be a lot different when I'm done doing whatever I'm about to do. I'm sick of fighting. I'm sick of leaving behind some small trace of darkness. Now I'm gonna go after it for real. I was reborn by dying last time. Now I have to do it all the way.

Don't worry about me, Amaya.

Sand Hollow

I decided I was too lazy to type out everything that happened in the last two days, so I just sent it as an audioblog. You can listen to my bewildering rantings below...I realize that half the time in that message I don't know what the heck I'm saying. The reasons for why my mind was flayed alive is mentioned in the recording.

I should add that while I was down there I was engaged in a couple of conversations about deaths that have occured lately. Everyone agrees that a lot of people are passing away. Just about everyone that was with me had a close one pass away in the last month or so. And everyone knew a person or two who'd died recently.

As long as we were talking about that, it was mentioned that two people had died at Sand Hollow in recent weeks. This was nerve-wracking because Sand Hollow State Park just opened this summer. I think it even opened the first week of July, actually.

Chase Jesperson came up. I found out that a lot of people had negative things to say about him. Almost no one liked him, except that he was funny. Also, a week before his accident he was talking about someone he didn't particularily like and said, "I hope he dies in an accident or something."

And in addition I learned exactly how he died. He was on a jet ski and crashed into a friend while making a U-turn or something. I already knew that but I found out that the friend's name was Tawny Christensen. Tawny Christensen has lived in the house behind me for many years.

A New Day Has Begun

After an entire night of intense fighting and struggle...at least, that's really the only thing you can call it, see "Wicker Poet" for more on that...I'm glad to announce that at least for the next three days, Marcus is back. And if I may add, I kicked some serious kister.

Waiting on the sunrise this morning was awesome. It seemed to just tie in with everything. I was listening to "Hikari (Simple and Clean)", the theme from Kingdom Hearts. In Japanese, apparently hikari means 'light'. Anyway, that's special to me as well as the KH franchise. The thing that I loved most about this morning was how much it was like Riku's ending to Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories [Reverse/Rebirth]. You can read about that little diddy in "Confessions".

So I've been having a great morning as of yet. It looks like a beautiful day. I've never been up this early on my own volition all summer. Right now it's 8:15 am, which a day ago I would've considered an unheavenly hour, so this is pretty new. It dawned on me for the first time to put some sugar in the Wheat square thingy's I had for cereal. And I was listening to Jesse McCartney all morning. (I just heard Amaya gasp and fall off her Norwegian chair.) I even danced to "Get Your Shine On" while putting the sugar in my cereal.

I've gotta say that while his lyrics may not all be awe-inspiring, he's got a great voice and good musical talent. It was kinda like a cross between Justin Timberlake, Maroon 5, and this Hispanic hip-hop band my mom listens to. A big thanks to Jesse McCartney (e'en though he'll never read it, guess I'll have to do it in heaven), you got this glorious morning up and going for me!

Breaking the Habit

I've willingly fallen so many times today. I've gone to extreme evils and unspeakable measures to sate my hunger for darkness. (Read "Confessions" and "Wicker Poet" for more info.)

But not anymore. I'm gonna do something about it tonight. I'm about to do something about this thing I've created, this person I've made--what I've become. The memories are literally consuming me. "Like opening the wound, I'm picking me apart again." My preference for solitude is harmful, but I have to do this alone. Because he only comes when I'm alone. Kinda like those action movies where the hero comes alone. "You all assume I'm safe here in my room unless I try to start again."

Well, "I don't want to be the one the battles always choose", cause inside I know that I'm the one who'll lose. But now I have to fight. I have to get up and use my cure. I don't know what it can do. Because all I have to go on now is a faded chain of memories.

It's time to end this once and for all. I'm gonna destroy one of us and get my memories back. Settle this... "I'll paint it on the walls 'cause I'm the one that falls. I'll never fight again...and this is how it ends..."

And this is how it ends.

I don't know what's worth fighting for,
Or why I had to scream
But now I have some clarity to show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way,
I'll never be all right
So I'm breaking a habit,
I'm breaking a habit,
I'm breaking a habit tonight.

Reverse/Rebirth

I just did something terrible that I won't talk about. But it's made me feel so dirty, and I realize how far down I've come in my life.

I mean, it's so awful to be a two-face. To not know who you really are. To constantly be putting up a show for everyone you see, fake 'em all out. Like Linkin Park's "Lying From You":

When I pretend,
Everything is what I want it be,
I looked exactly like what you always wanted to see
When I pretend,
I can forget about the criminal I am
Stealing second after second just cause I know I can, but,
I can’t pretend that this is the way it'll stay, I'm just
[Trying to bend the truth]
I can't pretend I'm who you want me to be...
So I pretended up a person who was fitting in
And now you think this person really is me, and I'm
[Trying to bend the truth]
The more I push, the more I’m pulling away,
Cause I’m
[Lying my way from]

You
[No, no turning back now]
I wanna be pushed aside, so let me go
[No, no turning back now]
Let me take back my life,
I’d rather be all alone
[No turning back now]
Anywhere on my own, cause I can tell
[No, no turning back now]
The very worse part of you
The very worse part of you is me.

I want to get away from that other side of me. That other person that I think I wanna be, but no matter how hard I run he always seem to follow me around. And I can't decide who to be. Me or him. Sometimes I hate him, and sometimes I think he's got everything. But really, he's got nothing. And when I'm him, I'm empty.

I guess the real reason I don't wanna change is because I'm too lazy. I'm too lazy to really make the choice. And I'm too scared. I don't know how I'm ever gonna get back up again. To be reborn, but also to die. So I'm dying and I'm becoming born again all at once. And this time it's gotta happen for light or dark. I either wake to the day or the night. And right now the morning seems too far away for me to ever last that long. I think I lost my chance.

Departures

My sister told me a couple of days ago that a 16 year-old from Orem had just died while at Lake Powell. Since my friend Trevor Newsom (who I previously called Dan) is at Lake Powell we were concerned that it was him.

I just didn't think it was him. I got this feeling that it wasn't him, but it was someone I knew. I didn't think much of it until today when I was IMing Richard and I thought of asking him. Apparently it was indeed someone I knew. His name is Chase Jesperson. I never really talked to him, but I saw him all the time and he was close friends with my sister as well as a childhood friend of mine. He was in a couple of Richard's classes.

I never knew him for real, but I actually hope that he's okay and that he was all right. His death has really impacted me in ways that I can't talk about here.

I realized that so many people I know seem to be leaving. And that's not just Harry, I'm talking about passing away. Like Owen Cherrington, a man in my neighborhood who got cancer. Also my drama teacher at Orem High, Syd Riggs. I loved her very much. Now this guy who I'm really wishing I knew better named Chase. And also my friend's uncle, Gary, passed away recently.

I asked Richard almost depressed, "Why are so many people leaving?" Then I had to leave to get in the shower, but my sister told me that while I was in the shower Richard answered just before he himself left.

You can read about Richard's response and my thoughts about it on my spiritual blog, "The Rainmaker Confessions", by clicking on the link to the right.

Gifts And Curses

It's de-ja-vue all over. Last summer, I was stirred and taught by the themes of "Spider-Man 2", which are Choice, Sacrifice, and Destiny. They were great lessons that I was taught, but now I have to go through all of it again. I had to make a very difficult choice, a heavy sacrifice, and found out what my destiny may be.

To be honest I've been doing all that since I was very young. But in recent times, the stakes have never been higher. I have a gift, and I have a curse. My strength is my weakness. My light is my dark.

Thinking of that, I remember the song "Gifts and Curses" by Yellowcard, and I realize that it's also in my case about the girl I like. I want to be for her. I've been working my tail off getting into shape because I want to play lacrosse—since my mom says I need a sport and I figure I have a chance if I'm in a sport to get a girl anyway. (And I'm NOT saying her name, 'cause too many people who read this could know her.) I'll just call her Mary Jane. That puts a smile on Amaya's face, I know. But it's true. She really is my Mary Jane. I want to be her friend and be there for her. But I can't until I make my choice. I want to be good for her. Every time I'm around her I become my true self. There's only one real Marcus that few people see. Mary Jane is one of them. And she brings out the best in me, the light. I wish I could be like that all the time.

Gifts and Curses—Yellowcard
Mary Jane belongs to the words of a song
I try to be strong for her, try not to be wrong for her
But she will not wait for me anymore, anymore
Why did I say all those things before? I was sure

[She is the one]
But I have a purpose,
[She is the one]
And I have to fight this,
[She is the one]
This villian I can't knock down...

Mary Jane's alive in the bright New York sky
The city lights shine for her
Sometimes I cry for her
Everything's small on the ground below, down below
What if I fall? Then where would I go? Would she know?

[She is the one]
All that I wanted,
[She is the one]
And I will be haunted,
[She is the one]
This gift is my curse for now...

I see your face with every punch I take, and every bone I break
—It's all for you
And my worst pains are words I cannot say
Still, I will always fight on for you.

Lost On 8 Mile

NOTE: References to races in this post are strictly metaphorical.

The film 8 Mile is based in an actual place in Detroit. The area where everything takes place is divided by a street that's become more of a state freeway than an actual road. The street is called Eight Mile Road. There are several roads that run from Nine Mile to Five Mile Road in blocks as you go down this area of Detroit.

The thing that makes 8 Mile Road special is that it is the clearly divisible line between rual suburbs and the upper class residents of downtown Detroit. You can literally be on one side of 8 Mile and be in a nice neighborhood, then cross to the other side of the road and see shambles and ghetto houses. To further make the point, 8 Mile also divides the main races that live downtown. The whites live in the north in the better half and the blacks live south of the road in the worse half. The site once hosted a deadly racial riot.

At this point in my life, I'm lost on that road. The road that divides white from black, so to speak. The line that divides glory and misery. The road that divides good and evil, light and darkness.

I've been on this road before, and it was easy to get off once I figured out how. I've been down 8 Mile so many times, it seems more like home than either side of the road. I know I have dark skin, and a dark heart. But I've lived on the brighter side before, and it was awesome. I think this time around I'm in for more riots than I expected, though. And it just doesn't seem like I'll get away with being a fence sitter again.

This is the place and this is the time where I have to make the choice once and for all: Black or white.