Going Down Swingin'

I am sure glad I know Bryce Huntbach, or however you spell his last name. Definitly the wisest teenager on the planet. He is such a stud.

Anyhow, life has just been an uphill battle lately. I decided that the reason I don't feel anything is because I have absolutely no motive. I have no cause. I don't know why I keep fighting. I don't have anything to fight for.

If anyone has any suggestions that aren't cliche, I'd love to hear 'em. Because I think that it's really coming down to a fine print, boiler plate this time around. Really, it's one or the other.

Last night I slept on the floor, contemplating my darkness and how I refuse to change. The reason I am refusing to change is because I don't know why I should change. I realized that every single day of my life to memory I have been in bondage and a prisoner of darkness. I have never been free. So I don't know what freedom is. Twice I have felt peace...but not freedom. Just a separate kind of peace. So I have no idea what to do. I don't know why I should fight for freedom when I don't know what that's like. Literally: I cannot imagine what it is like to be free.

Fighting for peace doesn't seem to work because it just doesn't seem to be the right thing to fight for. Fighting for family isn't a motive because I don't care enough. Fighting for friends never lasts long. Fighting for love doesn't count anymore because I've got no chance with the girl I like, and I don't have much to love. Fighting for God doesn't work because I am too against Him to say that I'm on His side. Fighting for Christ doesn't work because I don't believe Him.

So what am I fighting for, anyway?