So Long, Astoria

After such a long time of no posts, here we are!

School started a week ago, but for me I won't be in school mode until this Thursday. And my two weeks off of work is over this week too.

Until I'm fully out of that mode, I'm gonna bask in the memories of this last summer.

I got employed. For the first time saw the aftermath of two girls' hearts I broke. I got the cops called on me. I had my first real encounter with death. I developed a lifelong friendship from hundreds of miles away. I helped a homeless man. I started working out and weight-lifting. I had a personal experience (finally) with the Mormon pioneers. I learned a lot about how to treat girls and I've achieved some very good tips as far as dating goes. So my social life stepped up a notch or two. I started writing songs and music. I sunburned. I shook hands with a miracle. I wake-skated. I learned how to stand up for one's convictions when no one else would. I started liking rap, country, Spanish pop music and (*gasp*) Final Fantasy VII. And best of all, I learned how to be a friend.

Suicide was contemplated again.I fell back into the darkness I've tried my whole life to escape and will continue to run from. I finally realized once and for all what my destiny is, what choice I must make, and what sacrifice I must make. I awakened some sleeping premortal memories and learned what I must do to awaken more. And for the fifth time, I moved out of Babylon.

This was the last summer. I will never again truly have a summer vacation. But this last summer was the one I learned the most and gained the most from. And I found out what to do with my future and what I must do and can do with the rest of my life. I found out how to find the best kind of treasure. And I have all these stories and memories I'll always cherish dearest to my heart.

And so I say goodbye one last time to my ever-fading childhood and teenage years. It would seem that I have been unsucessful in escaping the inevitable...

I'm grown up.

So long, Astoria
I found a map to buried treasure
Even if we come home empty-handed,
We'll still have our stories
Of battle scars, pirate ships, and wounded hearts
Broken bones, and all the best of friendships.

And when this hourglass has filtered out
Its final grain of sand,
I'll raise my glass to the memories we had.

This is my wish, [and I'm taking 'em back]
I'm taking 'em all back.

Rest and Recovery

I guess I'm doing better now, so let's get the following out of the way:

1. I'm not depressed anymore, nor to I have plans anymore to kill myself. Do not ask how I am doing, do not ask anything relating to my mood, how I am doing, etc.

2. I don't want any comments or referrals in any form that relate to the post "And the Hero Will Drown." None whatsoever.

3. I will be making a drastic choice very soon, and it's possible that when school starts I will not be the same person you knew before. And that's all I shall discuss about it at this time, no questions asked.

[It's made fairly obvious that anything concerning the posts "And the Hero Will Drown" on my blogs is pretty mysterious. I'd like to keep it that way, thank you. Can't talk about it, can't talk about why. Case closed.]

Now that's over with; on to other things. I highly recommend my friend Oliver Wolfgang's blog at volunteerfordisaster.blogspot.com, "The Final Destination". Loaded with Snicketisms, his blog is basically a (fictional?) spin-off of A Series of Unfortunate Events. (And if you cannot fathom why those books would deserve a fanfiction spin-off, then you have clearly not read them and are missing out!) His "About Me" cracks me up, by the way. Note to Amaya: still want his email?

Also, I have a new blog, "Politik". Yah! This one will concern at least some things I will be busy with this school year. The blog is at givemeloveoverthis.blogspot.com. Please check this blog, as often as you can. It would be a great help to me and I need to spread the word.

In addition to "Politik", I also would like to draw attention to my "Kingdom Hearts" blog, which has been gathering dust since May. If you wish to visit kingdomheartsnovel.blogspot.com, I invite you to grab some chocolate, sit down, and read what was the beginnings of a video game novelization. (Warning: if you hate Final Fantasy and anything Disney such as Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck or Goofy, then don't read it. I follow the game exactly.)

Let's see...anything else? On a happier note, my boss Ian Story was rather interesting at work last night. He wasn't intimidating or ominous, as he usually is. He asks me (for the first time in my two months of getting hired; it takes school teachers a couple of class periods) where I come from, and in honor of my newspaper teacher I say, "Um...God..." We chuckle and laugh at that. Before I walked into work, I was praying that he'd leave. But he was so much fun to hang out with that after he had to leave for a catering job in Salt Lake City (which he technically stole) that I was praying he'd come back.

And The Hero Will Drown

"...This is gonna be a long post, I can tell already..."

Honestly, either it's life or death. Light or dark. Either I will kill this or I will have to find a way to kill myself. Because this cannot go on anymore. I threw it all away.

I don't want this to turn into a depressing blog. I tried to unload on "Confessions" and "Wicker Poet". I needed more. I just...can't...go on...

I'm dying, guys. That's the truth here, the real truth. I'm dying.

And even if I did resurface. Even if God, in pure and total love and grace, saved me again...what then? More broken promises and failures would lie ahead. More darkness. The closer I get, the worse it will get.

So if this weak corruption will admit he can't do anything...wilt thou please have mercy on thy chosen spirits and children here on earth, and simply take the breath from him?

...I'm letting everything down. I am going down.

I don't know. This is what crazy is. Insane crazy. This is what it's like to be in the middle of a tossing sea, knowing that if you go down again, you aren't coming back up. So you want someone to grab your hand again, tell you that you've been overboard time and time again, and will go overboard many more times yet. But that it's okay.

I Alone

His Intentions Fall To The Floor

I've really got nothing to say in here other than what's said in the audio. But I will say this: My mom, not to speak ill of her, said that if it was Trevor in the hospital she'd have a better feeling about taking me there.

I just miss Matt so much. (By the way Amaya, I've looked through my long list of unopened emails and found yours; it is likely I knew about his accident before you did anyway.)

I feel so dumb knowing that sooner or later he'll approach me about it, and I'll have to say something stupid to the effect of "I was gonna visit you but I just never could get around to it."

On a kind of lighter note, I found an old friend from an internet forum a little while ago, and today I convinced him to start a blog. I think Preston especially would really enjoy this play on a book series my friend enjoys as much as Preston and I do.

You can check it out at volunteerfordisaster.blogspot.com