Hikari

Requiem: The hero dies in this one.

"It's hard to say it, time to say it:
Goodbye...goodbye..."

One more sunset.

I don't know if I can accept my two destinies. I don't know if I can face the future. But because time rolls ever onward, I am forced to choose.

"And so it ends like it began..."

Thank you everyone for your friendship and comradery. I'll miss you all dearly. It has been a great journey. Now where one door closes, another must open, and I must start all over again. I can start all over again! Isn't that amazing? I have to let go of what was behind me, but I can start over.

Blue=past, who I am, who I was
Yellow=potenial, future, who I could be
Green=life, real future
Orange=Who I could have been
Red=Who I truly am, where I truly belong
Five=Past, mistake, failure, redemption, grace
Three=Perfection, God, Heaven
Eight=Who I was meant to be, Destiny

"Dear God I'm on my knees before you"

Blue+Yellow=Green
Green+Blue=Yellow
Yellow+Red=Orange
3+5=8

A perfect circle.

"The hardest part isn't finding who you need to be. It's being content with who you are. Stay who you are. Stay who you are..."

I'll see you on the other side.

Another side. Another story.

http://apollo.bluelaguna.net/kh2ostsoundtrack//Disc%202/33%20-%20Passion%20~after%20the%20battle~.mp3

... Fade out, end credits.

Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying

Monday night at Orem High was the senior musical theater showcase. I was going to have a solo as I mentioned in my previous post, but that didn't exactly turn out. I still wanted to support my friends, though, so I grabbed my sister and we headed over to the school. The showcase was scheduled to start at 6:00 pm; we got there at 6:06 to find a small line. The showcase had not even started.

My sister found us a seat while I went up to the auditorium technician's booth. In an auditorium, especially Orem High's, I am first and foremost a techie. I found that they were having the worst nightmare I'd ever seen. All the wireless mikes were limited to about five or six. Out of eleven to fifteen. The rest were missing. There was one wireless god mike that the crew had only recently obtained. No one was ready. Mike checks were going on back stage. Cameron Ashby, one of my best friends and the current light op, asked me to help out. I went down to the stage and headed to the back to find what I can only describe as a herd of headless chickens. Everyone was running around in a panicked frenzy. No one knew where anything or anyone was. I helped some actors put their mikes on and helped organize. Jenna Pinager asked what time it was. I looked. It was 6:20. The show still had not started.

Although I came to watch the show, I ended up doing it. I spent most of the first hour running all around the school to get from one side of the stage to the other doing mike jobs and shutting people up. The thing about the wireless mikes was that they all had to be on. At the same time. Which meant that the actor had to keep quiet or the whole audience would hear the latest gossip about Dick and Jane. Silence was not easily achieved during costume changes or mike swaps. And there was no mike plot. It was nerve-wracking, and it made you feel like you were in a high-suspense horror film.

At one point, a girl with Downs named Andy Phesy had to go on and do her Les Miz solo without her wireless mike. I spent the last thirty seconds of the song before her frantically hunting down the god mike, figuring out how to unmute it without alerting the entire audience, and praying that it would work as I sent her off.

She sang into it and the mike worked beautifully. "There is a God," I whispered.

Suddenly I found myself running into the techie booth in a burst of epiphany to a group of half-Mormons, half-athiests. "There is a God!!! I want you all to know that! There is a God, and He listens to the little people, even me, who have no right to speak with Him, He listens anyway, and He exists, and He is the reason Andy can sing right now!" I was estatic. They looked at me like I'd lost it. Standing there in a damp undershirt, eyes wild, and brain-shot from the constant stress I'd been under for the past sixty minutes, they were probably right.

I turned, seeing the house lights go up for intermission. In many ways, I was suddenly not so depressed that I couldn't have my solo. Then I didn't have to be a part of the madness. And I was a lot more comfortable backstage than on it. Admittedly, I was very pleased with my work behind the scenes. Do your part to save the scene and stop going to shows.

The second hour passed by a lot easier. By the time things winded down to the last two songs, I was completely spent. It felt like someone had hit me with a two-by-four and then a sack of bricks. The last two songs were done only by seniors, until the last minute of the finale. When I realized what was going on, I went into awe-mode. Adam Millington was playing "Will I" on his guitar according to the flow chart.

My first clue should have been that the finale was "Seasons of Love" from Rent. Seniors slowly trickled onto the stage, singing...

"Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care?"

I gasped. It was "Finale B". I felt my heart throb.

"Will I wake tomorrow//From this//Nightmare?"

I started singing from offstage, when suddenly I saw Jenna. Seeing the hopeful look on my face, she beckoned my onward. I stepped into the light, taking off my brown overshirt. Brian gave a slight smile. "Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care?" I looked into the audience. It was all a blinding flash of light. "Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare? Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?"

Before I knew it, I was in the middle of the finale. The spotlights alternated. The voices went up.

"Five hundred, twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes
Five hundred, twenty-five thousand moments so dear
Five hundred, twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights? In sunsets? In midnights? In cups of coffee?
In inches? In miles? In laughter and strife?
Five hundred, twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life?"

The piano crashed.

"How about looovvvveeeee.......
How about lllllooooooovvvvvvveeeeee...."

We started clapping and swaying.

"How about love?
Measure in love...
Seasons of love....."

Jenna and Dave stepped forward. Jenna began,

Five hundred, twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes
Five hundred, twenty-five thousand journeys to plan!
Five hundred, twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes..."

Jenna cracked a bit. I turned to her. I realized that she was holding back sobs.

"...How do you measure the life of a woman or a man?" she finished.

Dave stayed in character as he wrapped her in his arms, and sang Collins:

"In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried
In bridges he burned, or the way that she died..."

Syd. Syd Riggs.

"It's time now," we clapped, "to sing out
For the story never ends
Let's celebrate,
Remember a year in the life of friends...

Remember the love..."

Jenna gave it all she had. Her last, final time. She gave it all. "Oh, you've got to, you've got to, you've got to remember the love! Remember the love!"

I lost feeling in my swaying legs and clapping hands as I lent my imperfect voice to the tearful harmonies.

"You measure in love," sang Jenna. "Know that love is a gift from up above..."

Love... It was too much. Too much. Too much.

"Share love, give love, spread love..." Jenna gave the high note one last belt. "Measure your life, measure your life in love..."

Her shining moment blew me away. We all finished it.

"...Seasons of love....
Seasons of love."

The red curtain--once my red curtain--closed delicatly. It was like a dream. Suddenly everyone except me was coupled in someone's arms crying. Eric Sackett was the guy crying the hardest. Tears were in everyone's eyes to one degree or another (except mine, I don't do crying apparently). In fact, the guys were collectively more emotional than any of the girls. Everyone was hugging everyone. "It's over, it's over, no more..." the air sang. Everyone knew it. Everyone was saying it. "It's over. I can't believe that it's really all over."

I hugged person after person. "Brian, man, you are awesome. Jenna, thank you for letting me come on. Thank you, I love you. Jordon, I love you--in a very...friendly way...you know! Katylin...Eric...Jake...Jeff! Jeff...Thank you. For everything. "

We grasped each other so tightly. "I am a better person to have known you, Jeff Smith," I whispered.

And worse than any two-by-four or sack of bricks, it hit me.

This was really it. This was the end.

Goodbye, Yellow Brick Road

When are you gonna come down?
When are you going to land?
I should have stayed on the farm
I should have listened to my old man
You know you can't hold me forever
I didn't sign up with you
I'm not a present for your friends to open
This boy's too young to be singing
The blues…

It’s May now. It’s the end. It’s the curtain call, the finale B, the coup de grace. The last chapter. The end that comes before the beginning. Life was supposed to have a death after high school before starting up again. Unfortunately, I am learning that life does not even begin until after I step through the “O”.

Yes. A final door.
(*Sigh*) How typical.

So goodbye, Yellow Brick Road
Where the dogs of society howl
You can't plant me in your penthouse
I'm going back to my plough
Back to the howling old owl in the woods
Hunting the horny back toad…

I have all these assignments to finish before the week is over. I also need to find a musical score for the song I want to do for the senior musical showcase. I’m only in there because I was shoved in at the last minute. If I don’t find the music, that will be one more dream from my high school days never realized. It’s from Big River and it’s called “Free at Last”.

Oh, I've finally decided my future lies
Beyond the Yellow Brick Road…

It’s good to see that all my friends have dreams and goals to accomplish after high school. One friend wants to be the richest, greatest editor ever. Another wants to be a vet.

What do you think you'll do then?
I bet that'll shoot down your plane
It'll take you a couple of vodka and tonics
To set you on your feet again
Maybe you'll get a replacement
There's plenty like me to be found
Mongrels who ain't got a penny
Sniffing for tidbits like you on the ground.

Another wants to study law and be a negotiator in hostage situations. And another, one of my best friends, wants to be a hospital administrator, own a hospital chain, and perhaps eventually he will put IHC out of business. If he has time, he has joked, he will also own a Panda Express chain.

So goodbye, Yellow Brick Road!
Where the dogs of society howl
You can't plant me in your penthouse,
I'm going back to my plough
Back to the howling old owl in the woods
Hunting the horny back toad…

And me? I don’t know what I want. Except that I don’t want to wake up on June 2nd, 2006.


Oh, I've finally decided
My future lies beyond the Yellow Brick Road.

The Taste of Ink

Spring break was...kinda normal. I had the sulfur burps--there's a more sophisticated name for it, but it's this really gross sickness that basically turns you into a walking, talking, (forgive my language) burbing and farting stink bomb. You also have frequent, intimate conversations with the toilet. And most people throw up often and are bed ridden, but I didn't. It's a virus that lives somewhere in my body, and will be there for the rest of my life. It's not an actual bug, it's really a colony of these ameobas called...

Okay, so enough of grossing you out with my bodily functions. If you want a good read for the end of the year, I recommend My Name is Asher Lev by Chaim Potok or Cry, the Beloved Country by Alan Paton. They give you really nice epiphanies about life, maybe even yours.

Briefing on something that happened with Ben. First, at a birthday party for Eric Smith, I ignored him. It was just something that happened in me. But later that night, I regretted it so much. I wanted to relive that night so I wasn't a jerk. That night, I decided that once and for all I need to determine what kind of friendship I want with Ben. And either there is a friendship, or nothing at all. End of story.

So the next day at work, instead of ignoring him I talked to him. It amazed me (and continues to amaze me) how in spite of my rudeness, he still played the friend. It's a great example to me. Let's all do that.

It reminded me of unconditional love, and no prejudice about my problems. So that reminds me now: I want to publically apologize to one of my good friends, McKay. Please forgive me for being so harsh and judgemental that night in the hallways. It was not my place. I beg your forgiveness. I do not judge you anymore; in a way, I understand you more. Please forgive me.

And now, a new song about my life and the complex relationship I have with God, my best friends, the blue and yellow high-school-romantic era that rapidly draws to a close, and the world and life that I find gladly, dangerously, opening itself up before my very eyes...

"The Taste of Ink"--The Used
Is it worth it? Can you even hear me?
Standing with your spotlight on me,
Not enough to feed the hungry.
I'm tired, and I felt it for a while now
In this sea of lonely
The taste of ink is getting old
It's four o' clock in the [early] morning
Each day gets more and more like the last day
Still I can see it coming,
While I'm standing in the river drowning,
This could be my chance to break out
This could be my chance to say goodbye.
At last it's finally over,
Couldn't take this town much longer
Being half-dead wasn't what I planned to be
Now I'm ready to be free:

So here I am, it's in my hands
And I'll savor every moment of this
So here I am, alive at last
And I'll savor every moment of this.

And won't you think I'm pretty
When I'm standing top the bright-lit city
And I'll take your hand and pick you up,
And keep you there to so you can see.
As long as you're alive and care
I promise I will take you there,
And we'll drink and dance the night away.

As long as you're alive, here I am
I promise I will take you there.



P.S. Ben Harper is really good.

A Little Less Sixteen Candles

So here's the story.

A couple of months ago, Aylla (Cameron Ashby's "girlfriend") asked me to ask Jessica Simpson out to prom. Tina Edmunds, Allya Sylvanstoke, and Jessica Simpson are like the three musketeers...except not...okay, try the three Muses. They are inseparable. The three of them "just have to" go to prom together.

I like Jessica, and I think she's very nice. We're not best friends, but we are more friends than we were last year. So I say sure, why not.

Last week, Aylla started telling me that I needed to ask her very, very soon. According to her, Jessica bought a dress last year but never got asked, so this year Jessica's mom said that she has to get asked before she buys the dress. Jessica had to buy the dress she wanted in the next two or three days.

At first I was like, "Okay, thanks for the memo." But deep down, I wasn't 100% sure I wanted to even go to prom at all. Aylla continued by telling me that she would have it all set up for me to ask her, and all I would have to do is go to a party at her house on Friday.

When I got home and thought about it, I realized that even if I could go to prom, there was a different girl I wanted to ask: Kristen Southerland. But she and Jordan Sorenson were pratically "going out" (even though they aren't really, or something like that). My sister found out that Aylla had basically taken the entire operation into her own hands: she had made a DVD slideshow out of Jessica's baby and child pictures up to her current age, and at the end of the slide show it said, "Will you go to prom with me? Love, Marcus." I had nothing to do with the DVD.

One of my teachers told me that I had to be honest with Jessica. I couldn't go to prom unless it was with someone I had picked--otherwise I'd spend the whole time looking at Kristen. That wasn't entirely true...but she had a good point. So right then, in the middle of fourth period, she went and got Jessica Simpson out of class. I talked to her. Apparently, there was no dress deadline, and she had just worn the prom dress to Homecoming. She said it was no big deal, and she felt a bit uncomfortable about Aylla arranging all this. In fact, she knew that I was supposed to ask her because Aylla had told her. "And where's the surprise in that?" she said.

I still felt like a heel. Without thinking, I told her that there was another guy who would ask her. NEVER LIE! She smiled, and told me to keep his name a secret.

After a moment, I came up with someone: my friend Eric Smith. Surely he would take her. They had been in The Forgiener together. That night, at the party Aylla showed me the movie. She was angry at me and at herself for "getting involved". And she gave Jessica the DVD, to which Jessica had replied, "This is to remember the time I almost got asked to prom."

Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Downstairs, I asked Jordan about asking "his" girl, Kristen. He actually was glad. Since everyone thinks they are going out, he felt pressured into asking her because he was afraid no one else would--and they've already been to a dance. But if I was gonna ask her, then that made things cool. I sighed with some relief.

The next day at work, Eric told me that he was actually already planning on asking someone. I panicked. Now I was in some deep trouble. Desperatly, I asked Julie Garbutt this morning to talk to Trevor Robertson (the Jim Carry of Orem High) to ask Jessica. I have yet to hear from her.

As Julie and I talked, Ben came up, and it was mentioned how he thought of asking her to prom. She said that if Ben asked her now, after the way he treated her during the play Seven Brides, she would essentially tell him to drop dead. "He lost his chance," she said.

I hate dramas.

Sure Things Fall

Right now I'm in Orem High's school musical, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. I really wish I wasn't in it, because it's a huge amount of stress in my life, and if I could I would quit. But oh well. Saturday night was personally my worst night because I danced so badly. That's all I do. I walk across the stage in the overture to get a haircut and then I dance during the social. What a waste. And...who would guess that the lead, Jeff Smith, is obsessed with Kingdom Hearts II? There's a techie who plays it in the technician's booth, too. I spoiled one or two things...self control!!!!!! Again, for anyone who has an interest and an hour's worth of free reading time, go to kingdomheartsnovel.blogspot.com to check out the beginning of a Kingdom Hearts novel.

By the way, King Kong is only worth seeing once, if at all. Gosh, that was such a waste of a movie. Adrien Brody was awesome, though. Jack Black, stupid as usual. Naomi Watts...practically all she did was scream and slowly turn around at the next monster spying on her (sooo annoying). Brody and the guy who plays the teenage character Jimmy (remniscent of Henry from Crane's The Red Badge of Courage) were the only good actors. Basically, there was too much packed into the film. Jackson tried to make it another epic. There were some great moments, true, but they were few and far between annoyances like unrealistic and dragged out action scenes. Kudos to James Newton Howard for the score, though (especially given what he had to work with).

But Just Like Heaven is a great film. That's the first chick-flick I've ever "Aww"ed during a romantic moment...okay, maybe I did it during Pride and Prejudice but not really. That was more of an "Ohhh" moment. (...Girls know what I'm talking about, okay?!) There was a really good "Aww" moment during Just Like Heaven. Mark Ruffalo and Reese Witherspoon make a great couple. And Jon Heder (famous as Napolean Dynamite) was good. I loved his character.

Okay, shutting up about movies. One of my true heros right now is Jeff Smith. He's so friendly. I love his guts. Him and Corey Mann and Josh Workman. Awesome people. I love being surrounded by awesome people. Oh, and Steven Stucki. Gosh, he gave a great testimony in seminary the other day. Stucki is such a great kid. Love that kid. And Eric Sackett and Jacob Swain, and McKenna, Chelsea, Abe, Erica, Megan, Emily Hill, Kristen, Elisa, Justin, Paul...wow. I have a lot of friends.

Ben's been having issues lately. So has Preston, Lindsey, and everyone close to me. I wish I could help them. I'm just not enough, though. Still I will fight on.

Advent Children

Another season over. Yes, I decided that March was actually a season. It was more of a prelude to the next season than anything else, though.

I dub the prelude "Advent Children" because for the first time it really dawned on me that I might not actually make it. As in, for the first time I started to understand what my odds are of beating this thing. The darkness I have. The "problem".

If we look at closet-case gays in the LDS church today and drug addicts and alchoholics, then we see that most of them resort to either embracing the sinful life, or committing suicide. The odds are simply against one of these people living in the Church.

My friends, I realize, are all taking their different courses in life. For them, the story of high school is just about to end. Perhaps the story is about to end for me too. But maybe I don't want to say goodbye just yet.

I don't know what's gonna happen this month. But given my knowlege, I know now what is at stake more than ever before, and I am scared. I am afraid that I will never make it.

Why...why, Marcus, why do you insist?


Because I choose to.


"Everything is coming back to me, the true..."