Advent Children

Another season over. Yes, I decided that March was actually a season. It was more of a prelude to the next season than anything else, though.

I dub the prelude "Advent Children" because for the first time it really dawned on me that I might not actually make it. As in, for the first time I started to understand what my odds are of beating this thing. The darkness I have. The "problem".

If we look at closet-case gays in the LDS church today and drug addicts and alchoholics, then we see that most of them resort to either embracing the sinful life, or committing suicide. The odds are simply against one of these people living in the Church.

My friends, I realize, are all taking their different courses in life. For them, the story of high school is just about to end. Perhaps the story is about to end for me too. But maybe I don't want to say goodbye just yet.

I don't know what's gonna happen this month. But given my knowlege, I know now what is at stake more than ever before, and I am scared. I am afraid that I will never make it.

Why...why, Marcus, why do you insist?


Because I choose to.


"Everything is coming back to me, the true..."

The Butterfly Effect

Long time no see...

February. It's been a long month. Main points...all the major events are hard to remember.

My first mistake is being involved in so much stuff. I'm on the Orem High Ballroom Team, I'm in the play "Seven Brides For Seven Brothers", and I'm on the Orem High lacrosse team. Not to mention I have a platter full of all these little side business ventures, so to speak.

All these internal changes have been taking place, but mostly physical adaptations and changes and adjustments, summing up into one grand paradigm shift. My "outside" is permanently changed. But...not my heart. Not yet.

As I look over my soundtrack to this last season, all sorts of memories come to me. The grueling hours spent on the lacrosse field. The nights spent working on some homework assignment. Performing at school. Ignoring Ben. Finding out about Alex. Telling Cameron about the darkness. The search for passion. Feelings come. The snowfall inside. The dark shell I become when I allow myself to be taken and seduced by evil. The taste in my mouth, in my throat, the emptiness in my stomach, in my soul, in my mind, in my soul. The coldness. The darkness. The smell. The touch. The feel. It all comes.

When I remember back far, far
The future was shining endlessly
Below the pretty blue sky
We were only a little bit frightened

The window was bathed in a nostalgic colour

If I keep on looking forward
Will I meet you again?
The future continues anywhere
Underneath a large sign
I want to watch time change

Towards the people, the places
I will never see again
I open this window

When I remember back far, far
The future was shining endlessly
Below the pretty blue sky
We slept endlessly

The person I liked long ago
Is to have a child in winter
Our promises from long ago
Sometimes I want to doubt them
I could never forget
I wonder if your New Year's card will have a photo
All the things we were unable to do
I look back on with nostalgia

My fears
My lies

Below the blue sky


May the butterfly effect now alter the heart.

Azora no shita...

Hitoshirezu...

My heart's a battleground...

We will rebuild this from the heart.